Family Pictures

Say these two words to the next parents you see: Family Pictures.

Then just watch and listen. Their eyes will roll, their jaws will tighten. They may clinch their fists, they may break into a sweat.

But the one thing you can be sure of (or at least 99% sure of), is that the words Family Pictures strike fear and frustration in the hearts of parents everywhere.

First, there's the preparation. Which, in our case, means dressing the girls early enough to get out of the house in time to make it to our appointment. But not so early that they have time to lie on their backs in the foyer and effectively sweep up dog hair with their dark sweaters.

And it means curling hair, putting on tights, getting everyone a snack (which has to be strategically chosen, so as to reduce the likelihood that chocolate will be smeared on their clothes), getting everyone into the car without a fight and without messing up their carefully coiffed hair. And then reversing the entire process when we get to the photo studio.

This year, we added 100% more complexity. Because Family Pictures now also means getting the boys changed, dressing them in clothes that look very cute but that are absolutely the least functional baby clothes anyone has ever produced, protecting those non-functional clothes from the puke that we know is coming, and trying to keep their eyes from getting red and puffy as a result of their protracted crying on the way to the photo studio.

Oh, and the adults have to get ready, too. Which, for me, means putting on whatever clothes my wife has selected for me and trying not to drench them in sweat as I execute steps 1 and 2 above.

At the photo studio, chaos ensues. The girls can't sit still, preferring instead to spin on the photographer's chair until one of them invariably falls off. Which requires an effort to minimize the puffy red eyes. And we have about a 15-minute window with the boys, a window which crashes down quickly if we dare to push to a 16th minute. Getting everyone to sit still, together, look straight ahead, smile like a regular human being (rather than a member of the Insane Clown Posse), and not throw up, is nearly impossible.

I try to avoid Picture Day with any excuse I can muster. It is, without exception, one of the most frustrating days and experiences in my life. I have rarely made it through without pitching a tantrum of my own.

But the results. Oh the results. They're totally worth it, don't you think?